A cautionary tale

brought to you by Armageddon Insurance Services Ltd

your friendly local insurance broker

This heart-breaking incident took place in a village in the Forest of Bowland, close to the ancient town of Clitheroe, world-famous cos of the Clitheroe Kid what was born their.

Why had Elsie, clever, prudent and provident as she was, not learnt at primary school that her friendly local insurance broker, Armageddon Insurance Services Ltd, could put all her worries to rest, once and for all. One phone call to 01254-01254-261 009 would have turned her tears into smiles.

Learn that number by heart: 261 009. In Blackburn, Whalley and Clitheroe, it is more important than 999.

999 spells trouble, 261 009 means peace of mind.

We understand the needs of local people, even if they are clever.

Now read Elsie's blood curdling tale for yourself. Not for the faint-hearted. Not recommended for bashful women, for people of a nervous disposition or for children under the age of 18!

Or take out "shattered nerves" or "convulsive sobs" insurance from us before starting to read. You av been warned.

And don't forget to buy a generous supply of handkerchiefs from the friendly corner shop, just a few minutes' walk from us. They do not like us since, by insuring you, we will put them out of business.

Clever Elsie

Once upon a time, in the ancient Forest of Bowland, there was a man who had a daughter who was called Clever Elsie. And when she had grown up her father said,

"We will get her married."

"Yes," said the mother; "if only there were someone who would have her!"

At length a man came from a distant county and wooed her. This chappie was called Hans (even though it might as well have been Fritz or Kraut). He stipulated that Clever Elsie should prove that she was really really as clever as everybody said she was.

"Oh," said the father, "she's sharp enough;" and the mother said, "Oh, she can see the wind coming up the street, and hear the flies coughing."

"Well," said Hans, "if she is not really clever, I won't have her."

When they were sitting at dinner and had eaten, the mother said, "Elsie, go into the cellar and fetch some beer."

Then Clever Elsie took the pitcher from the wall, went into the cellar, and tapped the lid briskly as she went, so that the time might not appear long. When she was below, she fetched herself a chair, and set it before the barrel so that she had no need to stoop, and did not hurt her back or do herself any unexpected injury since she did not want to be a burden to the National Health Service.

Then she placed the can before her, and turned the tap, and while the beer was running she felt it would be a sin for her eyes to be idle, so she looked up at the wall and to the ceiling, and after much peering here and there, saw a pick-axe stuck in the ceiling exactly above her, which the masons had accidentally left there.

Then Clever Elsie began to weep, and said, "If I get Hans, and we have a child, and he grows big, and we send him into the cellar here to draw beer, then the pick-axe will fall on his head and kill him."

Then she sat and wept and bawled with all her might over the misfortune which lay before her. Those upstairs waited for the drink, but Clever Elsie still did not come.

Then the wife said to the servant, "Go down into the cellar and see where Elsie is."

The maid went and found her sitting in front of the barrel, wailing loudly.

"Elsie, why are you crying?" asked the maid.

"Ah," she answered, "have I not reason to cry? If I get Hans, and we have a child, and the child grows big and has to draw beer here, the pick-axe might fall on his head, and kill him."

Then said the maid, "What a clever Elsie we have!" and sat down beside her and also began to cry loudly over the coming misfortune.

After a while, as the maid did not come back, those upstairs were thirsty for the beer, the man said to the boy, "Go down into the cellar and see what happened to Elsie and the maid."

The boy went down, and there sat Clever Elsie and the maid both weeping together. Then he asked, "Why are you weeping?"

"Ah," said Elsie, "have I not reason to weep? If I get Hans, and we have a child, and he grows big, and has to draw beer here, the pick-axe will fall on his head and kill him."

Then said the boy, "What a clever Elsie we have!" and sat down by her, and likewise began to howl loudly.

Upstairs they waited for the boy, but as he still did not return, the man said to the wife, "Go down into the cellar and see where Elsie is!"

The wife went down, and found all three in the midst of their lamentations, and inquired what was the cause; then Elsie told her also that her future child was to be killed by the pick-axe, when it grew big and had to draw beer, and the pick-axe fell down.

Then said the mother likewise, "What a clever Elsie we have!" and sat down and wept with them.

The husband upstairs waited a short time, but as his wife did not come back and his thirst grew ever greater, he said, "I must go into the cellar myself and see where Elsie is."

But when he got into the cellar, and they were all sitting together crying, and he heard the reason, and that Elsie's child was the cause, and that Elsie might perhaps bring one into the world some day, and that it might be killed by the pick-axe, if it should happen to be sitting beneath it, drawing beer just at the very time when it fell down, he cried, "Oh, what a clever Elsie!" and sat down, and likewise wept with them.

The bridegroom waited upstairs alone for a long time; then as no one would come back he thought, "They must be waiting for me below; I too must go there and see what they are about."

When he got down, five of them were sitting howling and lamenting quite piteously, each out-doing the other.

"What misfortune has happened then?" he asked.

"Ah, dear Hans," said Elsie, "if we marry each other and have a child, and he is big, and we perhaps send him here to draw something to drink, then the pick-axe which has been left up there might dash his brains out (if he has any) if it were to fall down, so do we not have reason to weep?"

"Come," said Hans, "more sense than that is not needed for running my household, and as you are such a clever Elsie, I will have you," and he seized her hand, took her upstairs with him, and married her.

After Hans had had her some time, he said, "Wife, I am going out to work and earn some money for us; go into the field and cut the corn so that we can bake some bread."

"Yes, dear Hans, I will do that."

After Hans had gone away, she cooked herself some good broth and took it into the field with her.

When she came to the field she said to herself, "What shall I do; shall I shear first, or shall I eat first? Oh, I will eat first."

Then she emptied her basin of broth, and when she was fully satisfied, she once more said, "What shall I do? Shall I shear first, or shall I sleep first? Ah, I will sleep first."

Then she lay down among the corn and fell asleep. Hans had been at home for a long time, but Elsie did not come; then said he, "What a clever Elsie I have; she is so industrious that she does not even come home for dinner."

As, however, she still stayed away, and it was evening, Hans went out to see what she had cut, but nothing was cut, and she was lying among the corn asleep. Then Hans hastened home and brought a fowler's net with little bells and hung it round about her, and she still went on sleeping. Then he ran home, shut the front door, and sat down in his chair and worked.

At length, when it was quite dark, Clever Elsie awoke and when she got up there was a jingling all round about her, and the bells rang at each step which she took.

Then she was alarmed, and became uncertain whether she really was Clever Elsie or not, and said, "Is it me, or is it not me?"

But she didn't know what answer to make to this, and stood for a time in doubt; at length she thought, "I will go home and ask if it is me, or if it is not me, they will be sure to know."

She ran to the door of her own house, but it was shut; then she knocked at the window and cried, "Hans, is Elsie inside?"

"Yes," answered Hans, "she is inside."

Hereupon she was terrified, and said, "Ah, heavens! Then it is not me," and went to another door; but when the people heard the jingling of the bells they would not open it, and nobody would let her in.

Then she ran out of the village, and no one has seen her since.

(From Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Household Tales , trans. Margaret Hunt (London: George Bell, 1884), 1:138-141.) (translation slightly modernised by Klaus Bung, November 2007)

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(19 May 2005)

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